I’m sitting on a wooden platform just outside my room that hangs over the beach at Fire Island. Steps lead down to the beach that seems to stretch forever in both directions, wild and empty except for a couple sitting on the sand in the distance. The air is sparkling with tiny crystals from the crashing waves that combine with the warm, humid air. Looking east across the water, there really is no horizon. At some distant point, the silver water and the sky become one. And beyond that? Africa? Portugal? Spain?…who knows.
I’m from Vancouver where the ocean is mostly placid because of shelter provided from the Pacific by Vancouver Island, so the crash of the mighty waves against this beach is thrilling and, in some ways, very restful. This is my favourite beach in the world. It’s both wild and immense, usually mostly vacant, and yet welcoming and calming. Somewhere to the south of me, Frank O’Hara died after being hit by a dune buggy as he walked home along the beach one night.
For anyone unfamiliar with Fire Island it’s a barrier island east of Long Island and serves as a breakwater against the Atlantic Ocean. It’s lee side protects a bay that is comparatively calm. Although Fire Island is best known in some circles as a gay destination, that is only partly true. Several communities dot its length, and two of them, Cherry Grove and The Pines, are indeed predominantly populated by gay and lesbian residents and visitors. The rest are determinately straight, although their inhabitants occasionally take a trip to the wild side and visit the Grove or The Pines to sample their distractions.
Although I don’t know how and when they came to the island, there is a large population of deer here. I don’t think they have any natural predators and, although residents think them a nuisance, it would be deeply unpopular to interfere with them. I consider them the magical guardians of the island. They’ve seen it all. They have little if any fear of humans, and it’s not unusual to open the door in the morning to find one or more exploring the patio. They don’t immediately flee when that happens. They usually just stare at me, thinking I know not what. And then they bolt. Literally. It’s as if their legs were Pogo sticks that propel them straight up and away into the brush or the mist, leaving me wondering if they were ever there at all.
I first came to Fire Island with my partner Jan nearly fifty years ago. For some reason we didn’t take the usual train and boat but, instead, took a small float plane from the East River to The Pines where we stayed with a friend from Vancouver who had a timeshare that summer. He’s dead now. And of course it had to be The Pines we visited because in those days of newly liberated young gay men it was THE place to be and certainly not the Grove that was rumoured to be filled with old gay men and lesbians. It was several years before I set foot in the Grove.
In those early post Stonewall days there were several vacation destinations that offered a kind of Xanadu for newly “out” young gay men: Mykonos, Ibiza, Provincetown, Key West and Fire Island Pines. I visited them all in fairly short order but, perhaps because of its proximity to New York, Fire Island had the strongest gravitational pull.
And then there is the tea dance. I’ve never been sure why tea dances are called “tea dances” although I suspect the name is a riff on English high tea or some such similar event. They began in New York in the 1950’s and 60’s and reached their apogee at The Pines. They continue around the world to this day but nothing could compare to their heyday at the Pines.
My first encounter with that tea dance was with Jan when we were a newly minted couple on our first vacation together. I’d never seen or heard anything like it. It was on a deck adjacent to the Botel and above the dock. On our first night on the island and after an early dinner with our host and his partner we all headed to tea dance. It wasn’t hard to find as the boom boom of the disco echoed across the island and bay, a kind of tribal call to the bacchanal.
And there it was. A sea of dancing half naked men, some so entranced with the music they were completely oblivious to anything else around them. Men danced alone, in couples and in groups. Groups formed dispersed and formed anew. And oh did we dance and dance. To Donna Summer, our reigning disco queen until she became born again and nearly ended her career, Grace Jones, Thelma Houston, The Weather Girls, Gloria Gaynor, Chaka Khan, Patti Labelle and on and on, mostly black women, but also Sylvester, a gay black man.
The opening cords of “Love to Love You Baby” by Donna Summer, or the Weather Girls’ “It’s Raining Men”, brought everyone to the dance floor and deck. And what a mix: bespectacled skinny guys, muscle boys, men whose face and body you had seen only hours before on a billboard in Manhattan advertising Calvin Klein underwear but, once on the dance floor, all were equal, writhing, stomping, shouting and singing the lyrics. An absolute celebration of freedom, of the tearing down of the walls of bigotry and hatred and alienation we all experienced growing up. This was our tribe and, as long as we were with it, nothing could harm us.
After that first tea dance, and probably one or two too many cocktails, I wandered down the boardwalk to the famous, or infamous if you like, “meat-rack” (don’t ask). Sometime later, when I stumbled into our bedroom where Jan had been waiting and seething, he hit me. Not a gentle tap…a full thrown punch. I deserved it and, for the record, neither of us ever hit the other again over the next ten years together. Come to think of it, taking my new partner to Fire Island in the seventies might not have been the brightest thing to do.
Fire Island has been a destination for famous gay visitors since at least 1882 when Oscar Wilde visited Cherry Grove during his trip to America. It’s not unusual to run into a celebrity on the island. Some of them maintain homes here. My most memorable encounter was seeing Truman Capote, naked but for a Panama hat, sitting on the beach like a little Buddha, surrounded by his acolytes. It was a long way from “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” (although, apparently, he wrote the first draft on Fire Island). Less famous, but in our circles in those days certainly noticeable, seventies gay “soft” porn star Casey Donovan seen tossing a Frisbee with another god on the beach. Don’t stare. Act nonchalant. Keep walking.
The list of poets, writers, dramatists, and actors on the island over the years reads like a whose who of twentieth century American literature and theatre. A couple of years ago I decided to walk from the Grove to the Pines, not on the beach but on the bay side. I had forgotten how difficult that is. Once the boardwalk runs out, and then the sand trail, there are patches that are almost impenetrable, at least after recent rain. Several areas would qualify as a swamp. Confronted with this, I didn’t turn back but pushed on, finally emerging covered in insect bites, scratches from countless brambles and branches and ruined new shoes. In front of me was a fairly large old house, covered in weathered shingles and seemingly empty. In fact, not just empty, it seemed abandoned although all the windows were still in place. I felt like a child in a Grimm Fairy Tale stumbling upon a sinister house in the woods. It was only later I found out the house had been the home/lodging of some famous poets/writers/dramatists. My difficulty now is I can’t remember which ones although it could have been some combination of Frank O’Hara, Joe LeSueur, Mark Blitzstein, John Ashbery, W.H. Auden, Truman Capote, James Baldwin, Edmund White, Felice Picano, Terrence McNally and on and on because they, and so many others, worked and played on the Island. And that doesn’t even include the women who preferred the Grove. Imagine if the walls of that old house could talk.
And, at least in The Pines, there were (are) those other houses. Magnificent modern glass and wood structures, most placed so as to look out across the beach to the crashing ocean below, their owners some of the most famous names in fashion, design and entertainment. Canada’s own Arthur Erickson and his partner owned one of the most spectacular. It’s still standing, although I have no idea who owns it now.
Although the best way to get invited to parties at any of these houses was to be a) very rich or b) very good-looking, I somehow managed to get a few invites. I don’t remember much about them except they always included a swimming pool, many beautiful people and many more stimulants than anyone should consume.
It seemed like the party would never end. Until it did as the shroud of AIDS crashed down upon it. As in the rest of America, AIDS didn’t arrive all at once on the island. At first there were only a few isolated cases of whatever this disease was. And then there were more. And more. And more. Until the tribe was completely decimated. I had friends who went to Fire Island every summer and who, after they both became ill, angrily condemned the place as if it, not the disease, was the enemy. They’re both dead now, as is Jan, also from that plague.
Fire Island became a very sad place for me. The first time I visited after Jan’s death, sometime in the late eighties, I found myself alone after dinner one evening, sitting at the top of one of the staircases that led down to the beach. It was a clear warm night with the moon shining across the open Atlantic. The waves, while still crashing against the shore, seemed to have subsided somewhat. I felt indescribably sad and haunted. It was as if all the boys were hovering around me, all of them long dead. I left the next day and didn’t return for many years, going instead to Key West which was also a wonderful place to get off the grid but, in my case, with no memories.
Then, about five years ago, I decided to return to Fire Island, although this time I chose to stay in the Grove (it seemed more age appropriate). The island is still haunted but not in a bad way for me at least. When I’m alone on the beach or sitting as I am now above it, I feel the boys again as if they are encased in some kind of special golden memory, their spirits reaching out to me, calming me, reassuring me, beckoning me.
Just sayin
G
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